he first question on this page relates to a simple test that families may use to check their profiles.  The questions thereafter are asked periodically by workshop participants.  The answers offer insights that may help in pursuing an open adoption.    At a workshop, you mentioned the ICE CREAM test.  What does it entail? ICE CREAM is an acronym.  Each letter represents one quality of a profile that experience has shown holds special appeal to birth parents.  Following find a letter-by-letter breakdown:   Imaginative: Something about the profile~the layout of the text, the way the photos are handled, even the choice of paper~makes it stand out from the others.  Explore the options, and balance with good taste.  Scrapbooking magazines offer a wealth of ideas that work for computer-generated profiles as well as those created by hand.   Caring: It is a given that couples will love and nurture the baby.   But what about the birth parents?  They want to know their well-being matters, too.  Honor these feelings, and mean what you say.  Keep in mind that the words "respect," "courage," and "admire" are so overused in profiles that they hold little meaning anymore.  One way to ensure your message comes from the heart is to imagine your closest friends as the birth parents.    Eye-pleasing: All readers appreciate tried-and-true fonts in easy-to-read sizes (more on this further down the page).  Ample margins and white space enhance readability.  One to three larger photos are better than five or six smaller ones.  Other graphical elements, such as clip art, simple borders and clever uses of color, give a finishing touch. Go all out to avoid sloppiness.  This is especially true of fill-in-the-blank forms provided by your agency.  Online versions are often available for the asking and provide neater output.   Concise: Wording that gets to the point and gets to the point quickly makes the best impression.  Limit details to keep from overwhelming the reader.  To do this, focus only on those traits that set you apart from most families (such as winter camping expeditions or adopting a walrus at the zoo) and eliminate any that are common to many (such as long walks together and visits to the park).  Organize carefully!  For example, beginning a paragraph with your on-the-job achievements can make you appear more dedicated to work than to your family.  However, ending a paragraph with mention of the company picnic implies financial stability but without the long hours.    Real: No one is perfect.  Describing your family in overly rosy terms makes birth parents wary.  Be genuine.   Enjoyable: Humor makes people likable.  Let your special brand shine through.  Keep it natural, tasteful and fun.  If you are adopting for the second time, avoid coming across flip. This especially applies to families who waited only a short time before connecting with their first child's birth parents.   Accommodating: Many families, especially those adopting for the first time, are anxious about openness. Others embrace it but worry about turning off birth parents who may want little or no future contact.  Rather than state your preferences, open your heart and mind to different options.  Flexibility frees you, too.  Remember, you can always politely turn down an adoption plan that makes you uncomfortable.     Mistake-free: Grammatical errors and misspellings reflect negatively on you.  Eliminate them.  If necessary, seek help from someone more proficient.     The ICE CREAM test serves only as a guide.  Even if your profile includes every quality, the test offers no guarantees that you will be chosen as an adoptive family.  Still, it provides a helpful checklist for anyone seeking to better connect with birth parents.   What font (or typeface) works best? Remember that birth parents read many profiles before deciding on a family, so choose a font that is easy on the eyes.  For printed profiles, consider serif fonts, such as Bookman, Garamond, Palatino, Georgia, and Times New Roman, for main, or body, text.  The serifs~the fine lines that finish off the main strokes (as on the top and bottom of the N)~create a natural line that makes it easier to follow the flow of words across the page.  San serif fonts, such as Arial, Avant Garde, and Helvetica, work well for headlines, subheadings and other short text.  Fancy fonts and by-hand handwriting may attract attention, but use them sparingly as they are often hard to read.  For the same reason, limit italics and boldface to highlighted words and phrases.  Avoid all capitals, underlining and tiny type sizes.     If you plan to post your profile online, stick with fonts common to computer font libraries. As a safeguard, make sure your profile reads well using the default fonts, Arial and Times New Roman.   Do we include our last name/names as well as our first? Consider including your last name/names on hardcopy profiles made available to birth parents at agencies.  Doing so says you are serious about openness.  Think twice about providing identifying information on an adoption Web site, where the audience is less known and the risks are greater.  Instead, invite birth parents to contact you directly by phone (a toll-free number is best) and via a dedicated e-mail address.   How long should we wait before revising our profile? That depends.  If you believe your profile represents you in the best possible light, allow six months or so before making significant changes. Different birth parents look for different qualities in adoptive families, so little or no response may simply mean the right ones haven't come along yet. To "time-proof" your profile, use dates rather than number of years when providing ages of people and even pets. The same goes for weddings and other celebrations. Dates may create connections as well. For example, a birth parent will likely remember a couple whose anniversary falls on the same day as his or her birthday.   If you lack confidence in your profile, feel free to use my Red Pen service at any time.  It may offer just the help you need.   In addition to your profile, you might consider reviewing your adoption preferences, which some agencies and attorneys include in your profile. Birth parents may react negatively to a family that refuses to accept an infant with minor deformities, such as a cleft palate, or background issues, such as alcoholism in the family. Know, too, that many agencies and attorneys keep separate lists of families open to mixed-race children, which are often harder to place. Be sure to alert these professionals if you or your spouse or partner possesses even a small percentage of Native American blood. Tribes have a legal say in adoption and make every effort to place their children in the same or even different tribes.   What can we do to tolerate the wait? Take extra-good care of yourself, and honor your feelings. If baby showers and similar events are too difficult to attend, bow out and mail your gift instead. Realize, too, that men and women cope in different ways. Be gentle with each other. Do the same with extended family who, as people invested in your well-being, may show their concern in awkward ways. Look to close friends for support or, better yet, hook up with an adoptive family that truly understands what you are going through. Above all, give yourself permission to ride the emotional roller coast. This is a stressful time, and the ups and downs only show that you are normal.   A birth parent wants to meet with us.  Now what? Treat the first meeting as a fact-gathering session.  Dress casually and comfortably.  Acknowledge that you will be nervous, and expect the birth parents to be nervous, too.  Social workers report that birth parents are often just as anxious about rejection as adoptive parents.  It helps to bring along a small collection of photos to share.  Invite the birth parent to do the same, as this demonstrates your regard for them as people.  Let them ask questions.  Feel free to ask questions as well.  Decisions can always be made later, after everyone has had time to think.    We have a question not covered here.  May we ask it? Absolutely!  Please e-mail for the quickest response.  If your question will help others pursing open adoption, expect to see it and the accompanying answer added to this page.    These questions and answers represent only a portion of the expertise available through Adoption Ink, LLC.  For more in-depth help, please investigate my services.   Copyright © 2002, Adoption Ink, LLC    < Return to top >